Quid What?

We narrowed down the source of most conflicts among people. It occurs in the utility or "usefulness" part of their friendships. It isn't likely for us to have conflicts in our commonalities and we can turn off those who are no longer entertaining; but we depend on each other in order to accomplish anything. In order to have satisfaction of accomplishment we should take the time to understand the nuts and bolts of utility friendships.
One of the first principles to remember is that everyone desires to be honorable but it is human nature to default to what is advantageous for themselves. Therefore it is healthy to be skeptical when people make promises and present themselves as caring individuals. There is a moral code that everyone claims for themselves but few actually meet it. Call it sad or delusional but it is a certainty. That is why we form contracts and have laws; to have promises kept and  to clarify what the expectations are. We have the expectations of the recipient and the compliance of the giver. They try to meet on common ground.

In all transactions both parties will look to their self interest. A buyer will claim the item is cheap while the seller might claim the item is rare. We shouldn't be cynical about it but approach these things in an objective way so we can negotiate, vote, buy or sell effectively.  The Latin term "quid pro quo" is used where one thing of value is exchanged for another. What we are after is to have both parties walk away satisfied. We use the terms equal, just or fair when the transaction works out. Morality and laws try to find ways to make that happen.

This is showcased with politicians. They present themselves as saviors but when we find out they are in it for themselves we act shocked about it. It shouldn't be a surprise. But the cycle of believing an honorable presentation followed by being shocked by scandals repeats itself because we hope human nature can be circumvented somehow. The older a person gets, the more the cycle becomes obvious. The purpose of a constitution is to limit the damage people do in self interest while trying to acquire a functional government.

All around us we see injustices and hope to right them. We can start of course with ourselves. Our interests are important and we should never sell ourselves short but at the same time we should delight in making other people smile. That is the basis for courtesy and ethics.

Selfie

Without self interest we couldn't have personalities. But at the same time, self interest is where most of our conflicts occur. In governing, some want their causes supported and everyone else to pay for them. So we have the conflict between the private and public good. That is a study in itself. It is how we govern our self interests that gives us good character. It isn't always a denial but unlimited self interest is where we get the word self indulgent. Of course the amount of passion we have drives them. The utility kind of friendship is also based in self interest.

Nowhere is there a better illustration of self interest than driving in traffic. I am terrible when it comes to lights. My anxiety level is raised by traffic lights since I am a passionate person that likes movement. Nothing worse than sitting at a red light for hours when there is no other traffic. Well maybe its seconds (forty seconds is a long light!) but I did calculate how many seconds a year and how many hours of my life will be spent at a certain unnecessary light in my home town. The passenger said it was a little crazy that I calculated while I fussed. But in order for the roads to remain safe, we must obey traffic lights.

It would be nice if everyone in the world just let us through like the President, but since we are all equals (darn it!) we all have to wait our turn. So everyone that arrives at a light has self interest and wants to go right through but we know that in the name of safe traffic flow it isn't possible. We must go when it is our turn. The traffic laws are utility based. Nothing is more annoying than that person who wants to be liked who messes up the whole flow by letting a person through at the expense of everyone else's turn. Stand offs at stop signs are an example of this. Self interest is a reality and is good and those who claim to deny it are usually out for something else for themselves such as a favor or to be liked. Traffic is a utility relationship and not a love relationship and so getting these crossed causes problems. A green light means go even if you want to allow someone else the courtesy of driving through.

Who doesn't get the phone call that we think is a friend who cares only to find out they want something from us. It could be to borrow a tool or a useful thing or it could be to go overboard in a relationship for pleasure. We can be disappointed when we think it is a concern call and it ends up being utility. Utility isn't bad though since we need help ourselves sometimes and it is good to have people to call on. I remember pouring cement and was told to ask for a lot of help since few actually showed. What a pleasant surprise when I had at least ten people showed up! Every person was there. Helping each other is a good thing, having friends that are entertaining is good and having those who we share with is also good. But when it comes to helping out, we want justice where there is an equal exchange. The neighbor who always borrows but never helps out is rightfully look on as unjust. In our utility exchanges it is good to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That really does sum it up.

Satisfaction

It has already been stated that conflict can be avoided by having clear expectations in a relationship. There are three types of affection: The enjoyment of commonalities; pleasure or entertainment; and utility. None is superior or inferior to the other because they all have necessary application and varying degrees. It is good to recognize this to excel at participating each interaction. But there can still be conflicts since no one is an angel and we need laws. We looked at poor character and conflicts within ourselves but even with those with good character, things occasionally have to be resolved.

It is hard to imagine conflicts in a love relationship based on commonalities. By definition the two that are participating are doing so voluntarily out of a common soul. They look out for what is best for the other and the relationship isn't for personal gain. They get satisfaction out of making the other happy. This will cause them to actually delight in getting less seeing the other get more. But these relationships are rare as we have mentioned previously.

Friendships based in entertainment aren't complicated either. These are based on having fun and if it isn't fun, a person only has to follow the rule of moving on to something else. We can turn off the channel if a show ceases to be fun and cut off friends that bring us down. It doesn't take a lot of study to figure this one out since the fun is subject to preference. If someone continues to go out with those they don't prefer, we would ask why they torture themselves; there isn't much judgment or resolution involved.

The vast majority of conflicts occur in the utility part of our relationships. Although people point out the extremes of complacency and greed in this area we also get a high degree of satisfaction there too. We as humans all have needs and unique skills. This exchange of usefulness toward each other is the basis for civility. We want both parties to come out of the deal smiling; but ask for resolution and judgment when things aren't fair. A country will want each of its citizens to participate by using their particular skills to its fullest potential. It is a tragedy when few get to do so in a society. We experience a great amount of excitement and fulfillment when we can be creative in whatever area we enjoy. Cultures place different values on these products and skills. A star actor today compared to one two hundred years ago had different wages as do blacksmiths now and back then. Usefulness has a broad range of applications; from marriage to corporations. Lets look at how we apply justice to these exchanges.

There is nothing wrong with self interest. To say that it is possible to be unselfish is unrealistic. Even a religious person is after favor with God and hopes for a fair reward. When a person has a  need and finds a provider, the two parties make an agreement on what they think is a fair exchange. Of course when they negotiate, the seller overvalues while the buyer undervalues.What they agree to is between themselves and requires no laws. In order to be just though, they should stick to the original agreement and not change the terms. With morals, we have goodness that we all go by and there are principles that can be defined. The same goes with agreements of exchange, they can be assumed or written. The goal is for both to have a high degree of satisfaction..

Family

We have looked at associations and see that ethics addresses how to be responsible and have good ones. It is necessary for humans to associate on different levels so why not study how to be good at it? We can't study associations without looking at the family. This is Aristotle's take on family ties. Most of our associations are incidental, they vary in kind and intensity but family associations are unique. Although there is little choice involved as to our participation, it is still worth considering our behavior toward them. Relatives are of course based in parentage. Birth forms kinship and the strongest bond is between parents and their children. Parents have a kind of ownership and knowledge of their children that no one else can have. Children enjoy this unconditional love but don't always reciprocate; their love is more of an appreciative kind. The creator always has a certain level of love that those who are created cannot comprehend fully. A mother's love is above it all and time spent with someone will intensify feelings. Traditionally they spend the more time with their children than anyone else. Both parents consider their children an extension of themselves and treat them likewise.

Brothers and sisters feel a certain camaraderie they don't have with others due to the common time spent together and the common blood. If brothers or sisters are close in age they normally have a close camaraderie that only those who were brought up together can have. Cousins also feel this kinship and commonality and will be close, especially if they live near each other. The feelings are intensified by proximity.  All relationship are by effected by character and how they act toward each other. Family bonds are no different. If they formed their character together and were raised by the same parents, it is more likely they will have similar values.

A man prefers to live as a couple and this is a priority over all other accomplishments. There is the natural part of reproduction but also a complementary side. They will both put their natural skills to work in forming a household and having children. So the relationship is pleasurable but also has utility purposes. Possessing common virtue makes it even better. Over time they form commonalities and one of the strongest one is children.Those who don't have children as a common bond don't always feel as committed to each other.
How they should act toward each other is a subject that varies according to the relationship since they have duties that aren't common to other relationships.

The next section is about the source of conflicts and how we go about resolving them.